I believed the world was at my finger tips and if I wanted to change the world well shoot I could do it!
I went home from YWAM with a plan and a dream. Yes my plan was to go to hair school and yes many people thought it was weird but I just didn't care because I knew that I wanted to use hair dressing to reach out to people from all over the world and to help people realize their true selves. However after being home for a while the fire that went with my dream got lost in the midst of the day to day. I lost focus of why I was doing it, and was just focused on getting through school, then work then getting to sleep.
At moments I would think about what I'd originally planned to do, going into the nations and what I used to see as my possibilities, and quite honestly I would just begin to shut down. It was too hard to think about what I really wanted because I no longer saw it as a possibility, the world didn't seem to be at my fingertips anymore. It didn't change the fact that I wanted to GO, but I just couldn't figure out how to actually make it happen. I would get anxious and feel claustrophobic like I needed to get out of this place but I just couldn't.
I suppose I was having a faith and purpose crisis.
The last couple weeks I've had some interesting encounters with people that I don't even really know, people who wanted to hear about what I had been doing in YWAM and what I was planning to do next. Usually when I give my answer people will just say oh that's so cool, good for you, etc. etc.
However, one particular couple took an extra interest in what I was saying and rather than just saying that's cool, they really took the time to speak to my dreams (even if I wasn't even sure I believed in them anymore). It's been a while since I've had someone not just get excited about what I was doing, but to look me in the eyes and say "The Lord made you to do incredible things and He has amazing plans for your life." I'd just respond by saying yeah I know, but this person wouldn't relent. He must have said it two or three more times, and then he'd say "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?" I of course said yes again, but in reality everything inside of me was like ummmm I kind of half believe that but I'm just not too sure. Whether or not I really believed it, I could feel those words of truth, renew something in me.
The next week, coffee with a friend just added to what was already lit inside of me. Sometimes you need someone to challenge you and not let you just sit idle and watch your life pass by. Maybe no inspiring words were spoken, but sometimes just remembering who you were when you had that passion is enough to kick you in the pants.
This morning was a rough one and I was having a 'what is my life and why do bad things happen' moment. Logically I decided that since everything felt so chaotic I would organize and clean, so in the process I came across an
envelope full of letters and words of encouragement that I'd kept from
my time in YWAM. I hadn't looked through any of them in about a year, so of course tears started rampaging out of my eyes as soon as I started reading through them! These letters were chalk full of TRUTH, encouragement, memories, challenges and revelations. Letters from my best friends speaking that same truth to my soul. Letters from the good times and the bad times, speaking to changes that have taken place and dreams that one day would take place! It's a weird feeling when you feel so desperate and then all of sudden you're flooded with hope and love.
Of course right after finding these letters I came across a taping from one of Philip's meetings. Speaking truth like we all know he does, he goes "OK Canada, you ready? You've been set apart, your destiny is to change a whole generation" Well shoot why don't you just punch me right in the stomach! A serious wake up call took place today!
All that to say, I been doing some serious stumbling and falling this last year, and Lord knows I've got a lot of work to do, but GAME ON! I don't have time to just sit around and do whatever, I'm gonna live this life I've been given, and I don't want to have regrets at the end of the day. I can not wait to embark on the crazy adventures before me!
